I've been disgusted with life lately, but I'm slowly becoming un-disgusted.
The disgustedness is a result of preparing for my board exam. I've studied a few hours a week for about a month and a half, and I've now stepped up my test preparation to several hours a day, hoping to take my exam next week. However, as I take practice exams, I'm scoring about 70% correct, which doesn't leave me feeling comfortable thinking about taking the real exam. I'd prefer a larger buffer than that.
When I looked back at the questions I was missing, 50% were a result of poorly written questions (in my opinion), and 50% were a result of lack of content knowledge. And when I looked at the correct answers with the reference to where the information was taken from, the answer was taken almost directly from the referenced textbook. I think I need to stop skimming my textbooks and start reading them. It's lame, but if that's the key to passing the exam, then that's the key. As for poorly written questions, I plan to take more practice exams online to get used to reading/thinking the way that the test writers do.
So, that's frustration number one. Frustration number two is that there are no jobs that interest me in Utah. There are two, but the one that I interviewed for was filled, and I can't get in touch with the HR department of the other one. So, it looks like I'll be looking for a job out-of-state. Not my ideal, but maybe it's a good thing. I know that I'll miss my friends, and they are important to me. I spent over a year in St. Louis before making any real good friends, and that really sucked. I found a great group here within the first month or two that I moved here. But, I've also gotten myself into complex, messy situations with friends here; I wouldn't trade those experiences and difficulties for anything, but moving might make it easier to stay out of trouble.
Part of me wonders if something (someone) bigger than me is wanting me to move and that's why I can't find a job, because if I could stay and continue living my life as I do and making choices as I do, I would. Unemployment is a pretty good incentive to move.
Personal-life-wise, things are going pretty good. I've tried to "control" the intensity and quantity of cuddling with my friends. I feel like I've done pretty good. It's not easy, and I often want more, but I don't feel confused after spending time with my friends, and I would feel comfortable if other people were present when cuddling. I've had moments where things went beyond my newly established boundaries, but for the most part, those moments are few and manageable. It's always easier to talk about doing things than actually doing them, that's for sure.
So, that's it. Like I said, I'm slowly becoming less disgusted with life. I've told myself that I just need to study, and read the textbooks, and take a week or two to do it. So, that's what I'll do, trying to maintain a balance with social and spiritual aspects, of course.
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Sunday, January 4, 2009
January 4, 2009
I have found new motivation to maintain boundaries with friends instead of blurring the lines. I came very close to losing two good friends in the last two weeks because lines were crossed. Both situations were very different--in one physical boundaries were crossed, and in the other emotional boundaries were crossed. But the outcome was the same--the strong desire of my friends to stop being friends so as to avoid further emotional investment in one another. While that solution is a sure way to accomplish that goal, it also means losing people that I love and care about. Things are being resolved slowly with these friends, but it has been a painful and unpleasant process.
And just the other night, another friend confided in me his desire to cross friendship boundaries with one of his friends. Given my recent experiences and all the emotional aftermath, I did my best to dissuade him from doing so. There's nothing fun about the confusion and frustration that accompany feelings of attraction for friends that you choose not to act on. It's better to just not develop those strong feelings, if possible. And if not possible, then it's important to maintain those feelings within appropriate boundaries.
So, what have I done or been doing to try and change things. Well, a lot of self-talk, for one. I have to remind myself that these guys are my friends, and that I need to treat them as such. I can't let myself think about how fun it would be to date or kiss them. I remind myself of the reality of our situation, and that all we can ever be are good friends.
A second thing I've done, and I should have done a long time ago, is reined in on cuddling. I originally thought that I would just go on a cuddle fast, but let's face it, I don't know if I'm capable of that. I enjoy it too much, but I've written in a previous post how the quality of quantity of cuddling can be controlled. So, I've begun my "modified" cuddling fast. What does that mean? It means I'll nuzzle up next to someone, but that's about it. No caressing or stroking; no back tickling while laying down; no reaching around and hugging and holding. Are those things inappropriate? No. But, in my case, they lead to the development of stronger feelings for the person I'm cuddling with.
I've only had the "opportunity" to try this modified cuddling thing out a few times, but it has felt good to me. I've still been able to enjoy being close to my friends and allowed me to communicate that I care for them, but it doesn't leave me wanting more and it hasn't left me confused about my feelings for the other person. So, that has been wonderful.
Finally, just taking a break....putting space between friends, is also helpful. If you're not together all of the time, you can't cuddle all of the time. And having "free" time has allowed me to do things that I need to do...like study for my board exam...which I've neglected to do because I've been spending lots of time with friends. There are a lot of things I've not been doing due to my unbalanced time with friends. Getting back to doing those things has reminded me of reality.
I've also made the personal goal to make more friends and hang out with straight men and women. THAT will likely help me to restore balance to my life. Spending time with guys who won't reciprocate my attraction means I won't be crossing boundaries with male friends, and spending time with women might help me in my desire to date and marry in the future. Granted, my dating attempts of late have not been successful, but that doesn't mean that I shouldn't pursue friendships with women, either. And it's likely that if I do marry, I'll end up marrying someone that I am good friends with as opposed to someone I spot from across the room one day, because, let's face it, what is the likelihood of that really happening?
All of the above has described what I'm doing to restore balance to my relationship with friends. There's still the matter of restoring balance to my relationship with God. I'm sure that improving social relationships will help me with my relationship to God. But, I've got other issues there, too. I told my mom last week that I don't really approach God for help with my attractions to men. I explained it as such: "If someone at work or school did something to really hurt me or put me in a tough situation, I would do my best to deal with the situation and then avoid and ignore the person so that they wouldn't/couldn't heap more crap on me."
I feel the same way about God. He allowed me to be attracted to men, which is a difficult thing to experience when you want to live the Gospel. So, I don't take the problem to him because I don't want more crap from him. Now, I recognize the illogicality of my thinking. However, it doesn't change the fact that I feel that way. And until I change my attitude, I probably won't be approaching God for much help.
I read in a book the other day about the need to connect with God. The author made the point that the reason people read the scriptures and go to church, etc. is to connect with God. His statement surprised me because when I'm honest with myself, I have to admit that I do those things NOT to connect with God, but I do do them because "I'm suppossed to." I do them because that's what good little Mormon boys do. But if they're not getting me closer to God, then they're just a waste of time. I don't have it all figured out, but I did have the realization that I need to connect with Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ in a personal way. And that means that I can't just go through the motions of connecting; I have to actually do it.
Now, on top of all of this, I'm trying to figure out what to do with myself! I'm studying for my board exam so that I can find a job in a few weeks. I interviewed at a hospital in town, but am competing with others for the job. If I don't get the job, there are few others that I would enjoy taking here, which means that I may need to move out-of-state in order to find a job that I would enjoy. Moving could be a good thing; it would distance me from the high concentration of gay LDS men here; but it also means that I'm losing my strong social support system and family. It also means that I have fewer people watching over me, so if I did decide to start dating men, there would be little to stop me, especially in a location that was more gay-friendly. I'm not worrying about this just yet, I have yet to hear back following my interview.
Life! As fun as it is sometimes, it's also very challenging.
And just the other night, another friend confided in me his desire to cross friendship boundaries with one of his friends. Given my recent experiences and all the emotional aftermath, I did my best to dissuade him from doing so. There's nothing fun about the confusion and frustration that accompany feelings of attraction for friends that you choose not to act on. It's better to just not develop those strong feelings, if possible. And if not possible, then it's important to maintain those feelings within appropriate boundaries.
So, what have I done or been doing to try and change things. Well, a lot of self-talk, for one. I have to remind myself that these guys are my friends, and that I need to treat them as such. I can't let myself think about how fun it would be to date or kiss them. I remind myself of the reality of our situation, and that all we can ever be are good friends.
A second thing I've done, and I should have done a long time ago, is reined in on cuddling. I originally thought that I would just go on a cuddle fast, but let's face it, I don't know if I'm capable of that. I enjoy it too much, but I've written in a previous post how the quality of quantity of cuddling can be controlled. So, I've begun my "modified" cuddling fast. What does that mean? It means I'll nuzzle up next to someone, but that's about it. No caressing or stroking; no back tickling while laying down; no reaching around and hugging and holding. Are those things inappropriate? No. But, in my case, they lead to the development of stronger feelings for the person I'm cuddling with.
I've only had the "opportunity" to try this modified cuddling thing out a few times, but it has felt good to me. I've still been able to enjoy being close to my friends and allowed me to communicate that I care for them, but it doesn't leave me wanting more and it hasn't left me confused about my feelings for the other person. So, that has been wonderful.
Finally, just taking a break....putting space between friends, is also helpful. If you're not together all of the time, you can't cuddle all of the time. And having "free" time has allowed me to do things that I need to do...like study for my board exam...which I've neglected to do because I've been spending lots of time with friends. There are a lot of things I've not been doing due to my unbalanced time with friends. Getting back to doing those things has reminded me of reality.
I've also made the personal goal to make more friends and hang out with straight men and women. THAT will likely help me to restore balance to my life. Spending time with guys who won't reciprocate my attraction means I won't be crossing boundaries with male friends, and spending time with women might help me in my desire to date and marry in the future. Granted, my dating attempts of late have not been successful, but that doesn't mean that I shouldn't pursue friendships with women, either. And it's likely that if I do marry, I'll end up marrying someone that I am good friends with as opposed to someone I spot from across the room one day, because, let's face it, what is the likelihood of that really happening?
All of the above has described what I'm doing to restore balance to my relationship with friends. There's still the matter of restoring balance to my relationship with God. I'm sure that improving social relationships will help me with my relationship to God. But, I've got other issues there, too. I told my mom last week that I don't really approach God for help with my attractions to men. I explained it as such: "If someone at work or school did something to really hurt me or put me in a tough situation, I would do my best to deal with the situation and then avoid and ignore the person so that they wouldn't/couldn't heap more crap on me."
I feel the same way about God. He allowed me to be attracted to men, which is a difficult thing to experience when you want to live the Gospel. So, I don't take the problem to him because I don't want more crap from him. Now, I recognize the illogicality of my thinking. However, it doesn't change the fact that I feel that way. And until I change my attitude, I probably won't be approaching God for much help.
I read in a book the other day about the need to connect with God. The author made the point that the reason people read the scriptures and go to church, etc. is to connect with God. His statement surprised me because when I'm honest with myself, I have to admit that I do those things NOT to connect with God, but I do do them because "I'm suppossed to." I do them because that's what good little Mormon boys do. But if they're not getting me closer to God, then they're just a waste of time. I don't have it all figured out, but I did have the realization that I need to connect with Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ in a personal way. And that means that I can't just go through the motions of connecting; I have to actually do it.
Now, on top of all of this, I'm trying to figure out what to do with myself! I'm studying for my board exam so that I can find a job in a few weeks. I interviewed at a hospital in town, but am competing with others for the job. If I don't get the job, there are few others that I would enjoy taking here, which means that I may need to move out-of-state in order to find a job that I would enjoy. Moving could be a good thing; it would distance me from the high concentration of gay LDS men here; but it also means that I'm losing my strong social support system and family. It also means that I have fewer people watching over me, so if I did decide to start dating men, there would be little to stop me, especially in a location that was more gay-friendly. I'm not worrying about this just yet, I have yet to hear back following my interview.
Life! As fun as it is sometimes, it's also very challenging.
Monday, December 22, 2008
December 22, 2008
I had a job interview for my first real job today. Look at me entering the real-world...only took 26 years :-). It was a good experience; however, I'm competing against a friend from grad school for the job, which isn't great; especially since she did her internship at the hospital. She's got the upper hand there.
Life feels unbalanced now, though. My internships are over, I have no job, so I've got nothing to do for the next few weeks. Study for my board exam, yes, but that's not going to occupy eight hours a day. I've got the gym to fill an hour, and a few books that I'd like to catch up on, but I will still have plenty of free time to fill the next few weeks.
But the unbalancedness encompassess more than lack of employment. It includes my relationship with God and friends. I've put God on the back burner again, and have been pursuing things that I think are best, or worthwhile, or fun.
I took out the girl from church this last week and we met up for an activity the week before. I think she's great, but she doesn't reciprocate the feelings. I realize that happens. Not everyone that I'm attracted to feels attracted to me in return. But here's the catch: I've taken three girls out this past month. Two of them I was interested in them, but neither of them reciprocated. I made an effort, and part of me is looking up at the heavens and yelling, "You gotta help me out here. If I'm gonna ever marry, I need to find someone that I'm attracted to that is attracted to me in return."
I point out my thinking above, because the thought that preceded it was, "For some reason, I haven't had much difficulty finding guys that I'm attracted to that are attracted to me in return." So, when these dates blow up in my face and the girls that I want to like me don't like me, where am I gonna turn to for validation? You guessed it, MEN WHO SHOW INTEREST IN ME. I don't mean that to sound vain or proud.
But men that I'm interested pose another problem. For one, I don't want to to be interacting with them inappropriately...inappropriate in the sense that I'm doing things that I should be doing with a girlfriend. I met a guy at a Christmas Party last night who asked me if I had learned to love men in a godly way. It got me thinking, and I honestly have to answer that I haven't. But I want to.
At this part, I watched a stranger flirt pretty openly with a crush of mine. And I was jealous. I played the part of the jealous boyfriend looking on from the corner. But, guess what? We're not dating. I'm not in a relationship, and yet I was jealous. Obviously, I have emotions invested in my relationship with my crush. Another part is that I was worried that my crush would choose the flirter over me, and who wants to be second-best. It gets at feelings of worth and self-perception; but again, the only reason that I cared is because I have emotions invested in the relationship.
Wouldn't it be so much easier to have normal emotions invested in normal relationships with friends? Yes, it would.
So, how does one go about doing that? How do I keep myself from developing feelings for guys, especially guys who are good friends? And how do I do that when girls that I'm pursuing don't seem to show interest in me? It's a complex situation.
I know that I can't rationalize or make excuses. If I want to marry, I need to meet women and date, and not get frustrated when the girl doesn't feel the same way that I do. I need to avoid situations with men where the opportunity exists to cross the friendship boundaries. It seems like it's a battle of the natural man and the spiritual man, and I've been letting the natural man have his way.
Time to change. May God help me find the desire to do what I know I should be doing to bring balance, hope, peace, and faith to my life.
Life feels unbalanced now, though. My internships are over, I have no job, so I've got nothing to do for the next few weeks. Study for my board exam, yes, but that's not going to occupy eight hours a day. I've got the gym to fill an hour, and a few books that I'd like to catch up on, but I will still have plenty of free time to fill the next few weeks.
But the unbalancedness encompassess more than lack of employment. It includes my relationship with God and friends. I've put God on the back burner again, and have been pursuing things that I think are best, or worthwhile, or fun.
I took out the girl from church this last week and we met up for an activity the week before. I think she's great, but she doesn't reciprocate the feelings. I realize that happens. Not everyone that I'm attracted to feels attracted to me in return. But here's the catch: I've taken three girls out this past month. Two of them I was interested in them, but neither of them reciprocated. I made an effort, and part of me is looking up at the heavens and yelling, "You gotta help me out here. If I'm gonna ever marry, I need to find someone that I'm attracted to that is attracted to me in return."
I point out my thinking above, because the thought that preceded it was, "For some reason, I haven't had much difficulty finding guys that I'm attracted to that are attracted to me in return." So, when these dates blow up in my face and the girls that I want to like me don't like me, where am I gonna turn to for validation? You guessed it, MEN WHO SHOW INTEREST IN ME. I don't mean that to sound vain or proud.
But men that I'm interested pose another problem. For one, I don't want to to be interacting with them inappropriately...inappropriate in the sense that I'm doing things that I should be doing with a girlfriend. I met a guy at a Christmas Party last night who asked me if I had learned to love men in a godly way. It got me thinking, and I honestly have to answer that I haven't. But I want to.
At this part, I watched a stranger flirt pretty openly with a crush of mine. And I was jealous. I played the part of the jealous boyfriend looking on from the corner. But, guess what? We're not dating. I'm not in a relationship, and yet I was jealous. Obviously, I have emotions invested in my relationship with my crush. Another part is that I was worried that my crush would choose the flirter over me, and who wants to be second-best. It gets at feelings of worth and self-perception; but again, the only reason that I cared is because I have emotions invested in the relationship.
Wouldn't it be so much easier to have normal emotions invested in normal relationships with friends? Yes, it would.
So, how does one go about doing that? How do I keep myself from developing feelings for guys, especially guys who are good friends? And how do I do that when girls that I'm pursuing don't seem to show interest in me? It's a complex situation.
I know that I can't rationalize or make excuses. If I want to marry, I need to meet women and date, and not get frustrated when the girl doesn't feel the same way that I do. I need to avoid situations with men where the opportunity exists to cross the friendship boundaries. It seems like it's a battle of the natural man and the spiritual man, and I've been letting the natural man have his way.
Time to change. May God help me find the desire to do what I know I should be doing to bring balance, hope, peace, and faith to my life.
Sunday, December 7, 2008
December 7, 2008
Life continues, even when one doesn't blog. Not much has changed in the past two weeks, so I won't feel too guilty about missing last week.
The things that I'm most excited about is that I only have two weeks left of indentured servitude. Yep, my internship ends on the 19th...and then I'll officially be unemployed :-). No longer a student, so I can't claim "student" as my occupation. Sometime in January I'll be able to take a certification exam, and then get licensed, and finally work for wages. So, I'm sending a few resumes out this week, and I'm readying myself to enter the real world...
Returning to the SSA stuff, however...I don't know what I feel like saying. One of the girls that I took out the other week, the one that I was somewhat interested in, failed to show any interest back. I attempted to contact her twice after the date, and she didn't respond to those attempts. I may be dense, but I'm not dumb. I saw her at Institute this last week and we chatted for a bit. She'd be fun to take out again, which may happen if I need to find a date for some group activity.
I did ask out another girl at church today. Two points for me!!! I met this girl a month or so ago. We sat next to each other in Sunday School, but didn't really talk. Last week we sat next to each other again, and chatted/flirted through the meeting. She seemed fun and entertaining, so I decided that if I saw her today, I would ask her out. Following Sacrament meeting, she walked past me, so I struck up a conversation as we walked to Sunday School. Class was fun, the bantering occured again, and I asked her if she would like to go out sometime. So, perhaps next time I blog I'll have another "first date" story to post.
And as long as I'm thinking about dating, I broke up with my last girlfriend about 10 months ago. I still am more attracted to boys than girls. However, I miss the relationship that I had with my ex. Granted, I realize that its partly because I've internalized the beliefs, values, and teachings of the Church. I'm not supposed to date boys, so when I'm pseudo-doing it...flirting, cuddling, going out to dinner...I don't feel 100% comfortable. I want to be comfortable dating someone. But there's the catch 22. I may feel comfortable dating a girl, but will I be willing to completely commit to a woman if a relationship progresses that far? The only way to find out is by trying it out.
Lastly, I meet with my therapist this week. We're supposed to talk about the John Eldredge books, and how I can heal the "void within." Whatever that means. I've read the first few chapters of this guy's book, and I can't really relate to a lot of it. But I do with one thing. He claims that men have been tamed by the culturual beliefs of religion, and that men don't aspire to their true "dangerous, passionate" selves because they've internalized church teachings of meekness, humility, and timidness. I don't know how accurate that assertion is, but I agree that I've internalized a lot of Christian values...and a lot of cultural values...to the point that I don't know what everything that I truly want or desire because I've adopted what church leaders told me I should want and desire. Has that resulted in my SSA? Maybe and maybe not. But it's worth it to further explore who I truly am and what I truly desire.
The things that I'm most excited about is that I only have two weeks left of indentured servitude. Yep, my internship ends on the 19th...and then I'll officially be unemployed :-). No longer a student, so I can't claim "student" as my occupation. Sometime in January I'll be able to take a certification exam, and then get licensed, and finally work for wages. So, I'm sending a few resumes out this week, and I'm readying myself to enter the real world...
Returning to the SSA stuff, however...I don't know what I feel like saying. One of the girls that I took out the other week, the one that I was somewhat interested in, failed to show any interest back. I attempted to contact her twice after the date, and she didn't respond to those attempts. I may be dense, but I'm not dumb. I saw her at Institute this last week and we chatted for a bit. She'd be fun to take out again, which may happen if I need to find a date for some group activity.
I did ask out another girl at church today. Two points for me!!! I met this girl a month or so ago. We sat next to each other in Sunday School, but didn't really talk. Last week we sat next to each other again, and chatted/flirted through the meeting. She seemed fun and entertaining, so I decided that if I saw her today, I would ask her out. Following Sacrament meeting, she walked past me, so I struck up a conversation as we walked to Sunday School. Class was fun, the bantering occured again, and I asked her if she would like to go out sometime. So, perhaps next time I blog I'll have another "first date" story to post.
And as long as I'm thinking about dating, I broke up with my last girlfriend about 10 months ago. I still am more attracted to boys than girls. However, I miss the relationship that I had with my ex. Granted, I realize that its partly because I've internalized the beliefs, values, and teachings of the Church. I'm not supposed to date boys, so when I'm pseudo-doing it...flirting, cuddling, going out to dinner...I don't feel 100% comfortable. I want to be comfortable dating someone. But there's the catch 22. I may feel comfortable dating a girl, but will I be willing to completely commit to a woman if a relationship progresses that far? The only way to find out is by trying it out.
Lastly, I meet with my therapist this week. We're supposed to talk about the John Eldredge books, and how I can heal the "void within." Whatever that means. I've read the first few chapters of this guy's book, and I can't really relate to a lot of it. But I do with one thing. He claims that men have been tamed by the culturual beliefs of religion, and that men don't aspire to their true "dangerous, passionate" selves because they've internalized church teachings of meekness, humility, and timidness. I don't know how accurate that assertion is, but I agree that I've internalized a lot of Christian values...and a lot of cultural values...to the point that I don't know what everything that I truly want or desire because I've adopted what church leaders told me I should want and desire. Has that resulted in my SSA? Maybe and maybe not. But it's worth it to further explore who I truly am and what I truly desire.
Sunday, November 23, 2008
November 23, 2008
I'm already messing up on my goal to blog weekly. I wasn't near my computer last Sunday, which is my lame exucse, but an excuse nonetheless.
As I mentioned last week, I like to cuddle. It's enjoyable, fun, relaxing, and a good alternative to less productive activities. I'm concerned that excessive cuddling is a barrier in my personal relationship with God. Is that because it is inappropriate and drives the Spirit away, or is it because it might make me less inclined to spend time with potentially dateable girls because I would rather spend time with potentially cuddleable guys? I don't know.
I met with my therapist again this last week and mentioned it to him. He helped me to realize that I don't have to completely cut off cuddling in order to feel better about the issue. There's should be a middle ground, and I think there is one. If I would felt comfortable cuddling in the presence of other people, then the cuddling is probably appropriate. But if the amount of time spent cuddling or the type of cuddling (e.g. caressing) becomes excessive and I wouldn't feel comfortable doing in front of other people, then I probably shouldn't. That makes sense to me in my head and in my heart; but actually doing it is another story. I like to cuddle, even if it excessive.
I mentioned that to the therapist, so he followed with, "what void are you trying to fill in your life," which led to a discussion of my family relationships, and more specifically, my relationship with my father. I told him that it sounded like reparative therapy stuff, and he agreed; but he also pointed out that if there are "emotional wounds" somewhere in my past, it would be worth it to heal them; I agree with that. And I'm not doing it with the hope that I'll like girls more or like boys less, but with the intention of being emotionally and psychologically healthier. So, it looks like that's what we'll be doing for our next visit or two. I only planned on meeting with this guy a handful of times; but if I feel like it's helping, I'll keep it up.
In other news...I went on two dates this weekend. TWO! Apparently, it's feast or famine in the dating world for moho men. It was fun. It was also expensive (I'm out $60, which is a lot for someone who is living off student loans, works fulltime but doesn't get paid for it!). Both of the girls were great, easy to talk to, and entertaining. No sparks, though. But that's okay. I didn't feel sparks for my previous girlfriends, either, so I wasn't really expecting that. I will probably take them out again; if I get a few straight friends out of this, it's not such a bad deal!
In other news, I've only got four weeks remaining at my internship, which is great. But then I have to take my board exam and look for a job, which isn't so great. I get to spend my first Thanksgiving at home with my family in two years! And my longer-than-a-month running streak of abstaining from viewing pornography and masturbation came to an end. *sigh* It's okay...it just means that I have another opportunity to go longer this time. And my goal should not be to go without engaging in those activities for a month, or two, or three. My goal should be to be temple-worthy, and not just temple-worthy, but to actually go to the temple once or twice each month. So, that's what I'm aiming for this time around.
As I mentioned last week, I like to cuddle. It's enjoyable, fun, relaxing, and a good alternative to less productive activities. I'm concerned that excessive cuddling is a barrier in my personal relationship with God. Is that because it is inappropriate and drives the Spirit away, or is it because it might make me less inclined to spend time with potentially dateable girls because I would rather spend time with potentially cuddleable guys? I don't know.
I met with my therapist again this last week and mentioned it to him. He helped me to realize that I don't have to completely cut off cuddling in order to feel better about the issue. There's should be a middle ground, and I think there is one. If I would felt comfortable cuddling in the presence of other people, then the cuddling is probably appropriate. But if the amount of time spent cuddling or the type of cuddling (e.g. caressing) becomes excessive and I wouldn't feel comfortable doing in front of other people, then I probably shouldn't. That makes sense to me in my head and in my heart; but actually doing it is another story. I like to cuddle, even if it excessive.
I mentioned that to the therapist, so he followed with, "what void are you trying to fill in your life," which led to a discussion of my family relationships, and more specifically, my relationship with my father. I told him that it sounded like reparative therapy stuff, and he agreed; but he also pointed out that if there are "emotional wounds" somewhere in my past, it would be worth it to heal them; I agree with that. And I'm not doing it with the hope that I'll like girls more or like boys less, but with the intention of being emotionally and psychologically healthier. So, it looks like that's what we'll be doing for our next visit or two. I only planned on meeting with this guy a handful of times; but if I feel like it's helping, I'll keep it up.
In other news...I went on two dates this weekend. TWO! Apparently, it's feast or famine in the dating world for moho men. It was fun. It was also expensive (I'm out $60, which is a lot for someone who is living off student loans, works fulltime but doesn't get paid for it!). Both of the girls were great, easy to talk to, and entertaining. No sparks, though. But that's okay. I didn't feel sparks for my previous girlfriends, either, so I wasn't really expecting that. I will probably take them out again; if I get a few straight friends out of this, it's not such a bad deal!
In other news, I've only got four weeks remaining at my internship, which is great. But then I have to take my board exam and look for a job, which isn't so great. I get to spend my first Thanksgiving at home with my family in two years! And my longer-than-a-month running streak of abstaining from viewing pornography and masturbation came to an end. *sigh* It's okay...it just means that I have another opportunity to go longer this time. And my goal should not be to go without engaging in those activities for a month, or two, or three. My goal should be to be temple-worthy, and not just temple-worthy, but to actually go to the temple once or twice each month. So, that's what I'm aiming for this time around.
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